Regaining one's self confidence.

Those of you have known me all or most of my life probably think of me as someone who dances through her life at her own tune. I'm not one to give into the latest trends, or to act or say or do what's expected of me. Or do I?

Those of you who knew me in elementary and junior high probably remember me as a smart, opinionated person, who had very little tact and said things before I knew I was thinking them. Those of you who knew me in high school, probably thought I was a high strung moody girl, with a touch (or more) of sass.

The truth is, I don't really remember having a self confidence problem in elementary, Jr. high. High school was a bitch but it had nothing to do with the "cool" kids versus the none "cool" kids. In fact, I don't even remember that schism at my school. It had more to do with "religionism" Yes, religionism instead of racism. I wasn't part of the prominent religion, and it was thrown in my face all the time, and it did weaken my spirit perhaps more than I thought.

This degradation in myself worth is best tracked when I think out over my past boyfriends. I think any guy I dates in high school will tell you I was pretty feisty. I set my limits, stood by them, and was very verbal about actions that made me unhappy. I doubt any one of them would negate the fact that I could be pretty moody, opinionated and bull-headed. That, however changed somewhere between high school and college. Somewhere between Brian and Michael.

At some point, I got it into my head, that being a meek girlfriend, with something to loose was how I was going to be. Only, that didn't just settle in relationships, it settled into my interpersonal relationships on many levels as well. As me how I feel about something, and I became likely to tell you what you wanted to hear, not what I really thought. As me to do something I didn't want to do, and I started to say yes, despite the fact I didn't want to. When, in the past, I simply would have said no.

Anyhow, I feel like this other person came into my life, and began eating at my soul. I stopped setting my limits, and allowed myself to be twisted and turned, and prodded, and soon lost myself.

I've been that lost self for a little over 10 years now, and Today, I am saying no more. There are so many things I let go by, unsaid. I walk by and see so many events I'm not comfortable with, and instead of doing something about it, I walk on by. Why? Because I'm afraid of getting hurt? Not really. Because I'm afraid of being yelled at? Being disliked? Dealing with confrontation? That would be more like it.

So, instead, I take on this passive aggressive behavior that drives me nuts. I let things build until I feel like I'm choking, then fall into a crazy depression for day, all the while feeling this heavy load on my chest.

Life, just isn't worth doing that anymore. It's time I start respecting myself. Taking charge of my life, and being the confident, sure footed happy person I as once-a very long time ago-known to be.

It started today, my ex-boyfriend. I let out everything I had left unsaid during our relationship. Unloaded every thought, every feeling, everything I felt I needed to say in order to move on. Surprisingly, he responded. The conversation went on for about two hours, but I finally got out of my system everything that I felt needed to have been said, and it felt great. Not great to make him feel bad, but great to finally get all that pent up emotion and all those thoughts and the resentment out in the open.

So, I am creating a new goal for myself. The first, is to regain my confidence and self worth. The second, is learn how to disagree in an articulate manner, and the third is to learn to handle conflict with class." Not sure how I'm going to learn to do this yet, but I will.