My Grandmother is very sick

There are those people in your life, who are like mythical characters. They stand tall and proud with wise eyes, and are invincible. Nothing can break them, nothing can keep them from walking through life with their head raised high. They live through depression, oppression, and violence and manage to land on top regardless of what obstacle life might come at them. They carry an air of commanding respect, and shine brightly, sophisticatedly in all their glory.

That is who my grandmother is to me. The woman I'd like to be someday. The lady who would come from far away baring a gift of love unlike any other, because it's only the type of love that a grandparent can shower on a child. That woman, that legend, that mythical figure of my childhood is supposed to live forever, but the sad reality is that she won't. And that makes me terribly sad. Her time is drawing near, and those summer days I spend at her house, will be filed away into a dream, rather that relived year after year. That dream might one day turn into a faded memories, and my children shall never know that same love or that vibrant woman whom I always dreamed of becoming one day.

So for now, I shall prey for her health, and for a painless departure from our world to the next. And have faith that spirits don't die, and that we shall all be reunited one day, in another plain--in a place that knows no pain.

Until then, I shall make the most of the time left, and visit when I can, baring what I hope is the gift of love that only a grandchild can sprinkle onto a parent, and save her memory as clearly and brightly as possible, so that my children will perhaps see a gleam, or know the sparkle of such a grand woman.

I have a new crush. . .and it makes my heart flutter

I have a new crush, and it's so exciting. Not any sort of crush. Not the kind that makes you smile every now and then. I have a new crush that makes my heart flutter and a smile cross my face at the thought of him. He makes me smile like a school girl and feel like a woman. And the feeling is unreal,and warm, and I just can't wait to see him again.

I can't believe it. I haven't had a crush like this in years! And, I love the way the crush makes me feel.

The AHA! moment

All my life I've never been one of those people who "get" how to do things on the first try. My motor skills aren't the best, and I'm usually slow to learn. So, I know that it's going to take me twice, sometimes three times as long to figure out how to do something, as compared to most of my friends. Whether I'm below average, or hang out with a group that is above average, is up for discussion. But regardless, I had a moment last weekend, that made me wonder how different my life would be if I were one of "those" people. You know, the type that seem to be good at everything they do on the first try.

I learned to Ski. OMG! I learned to ski, and I was good at it. Really good. I figured out how to stop and turn on the first couple of tries, and the feeling was amazing. "This is what if feels like," is what I kept thinking, as a glided somewhat clumsily, but full of confidence, down the hill. 6 hours of skiing and I only fell twice. Not, bad for a first timer. I even dared myself off the bunny hill and onto a more exciting one, and I did all on my lonesome. I mean, I was on a ski trip with friends, but decided to go on this "big" hill by myself, and it was amazing. The surge of confidence that swept through me was unlike anything I ever felt before. All of a sudden, it felt like doors and windows were opening, and I knew that I could do anything in the world, and get anything or everything I've ever wanted-effortlessly.

It's a moment I never want to wake up from, and never want to forget.

On a different note. There is a new, very handsome guy at soccer. Well, actually, he's not new. He's been around for a while, and I barely noticed him last week. Just thinking of him brings a grin to my face. I absolutely love soccer, if anything, for the eye-candy. Nothing like a guy you know is nice and handsome, to brighten up any girls day.

School is getting a lot better. I got my first A on the last paper I turned in. It's been a slow process, getting these rusted wheels back into motion. I'm sure it didn't help that I wrote my first two papers hours before class. (I used to be a pro at scoring A's on those types of papers.) Last week, I actually sat down, read the article, took notes, wrote an outline for a plausible paper, took a few days to digest the information and think about the process, then sat down and started writing, and low and behold, a few hours later, I had a paper that was way too long. I went through four revisions before I finally got it down to an acceptable page count, and felt a rush that's been unknown to me since I graduated college. Life, for a moment was great. Even more so when I finally got that A on my paper.

This week, I'm putting together a power point presentation for my marketing class. (this after not doing so well on my test in business class). My partner and I decided to do a SWOT analysis on Paranormal Romance Series. We turned in the paper, but forgot to spell out the weaknesses of what we found, so now we've got to bring it all together into the presentation. I'm pretty excited about putting it together, but very nervous to speak in front of the class. I know, funny that I would be the one having anxiety over it. It'll be great practice for sales conference for this fall though.

What else has happened? hmm, well one of my closest friends from high school is having a baby. He's waited three or four months to tell me, and I was super duper happy for him. So happy, in fact that I had tears rolling down my face for a good 15 or twenty minutes. I can't think of anyone more deserving of a child than him, and wish him and his significant other all the best.

On the flip side, the news made me feel old and somewhat left behind. I know we all get to things in our own time, but sometimes I feel like some things are just not meant to happen with me. One of those things is a long term relationship or biological children of my own. I know, I know, I'm only 29. But 29 seems so old when you got to a high school reunion and almost everyone has children, and if not children, they're married. It makes me feel like something's not right with me, even though I know that's not true.

Thank God I'm in New York, the place where everyone is out for themselves, and relationships are a matter of convenience. No need to feel left out here. Even those in a relationship, aren't always really in them for love. It's all about the convenience of having someone around and feeling less alone, and somehow, less insecure.

So, that's all I have to say about that and anything else for today.

Regaining one's self confidence.

Those of you have known me all or most of my life probably think of me as someone who dances through her life at her own tune. I'm not one to give into the latest trends, or to act or say or do what's expected of me. Or do I?

Those of you who knew me in elementary and junior high probably remember me as a smart, opinionated person, who had very little tact and said things before I knew I was thinking them. Those of you who knew me in high school, probably thought I was a high strung moody girl, with a touch (or more) of sass.

The truth is, I don't really remember having a self confidence problem in elementary, Jr. high. High school was a bitch but it had nothing to do with the "cool" kids versus the none "cool" kids. In fact, I don't even remember that schism at my school. It had more to do with "religionism" Yes, religionism instead of racism. I wasn't part of the prominent religion, and it was thrown in my face all the time, and it did weaken my spirit perhaps more than I thought.

This degradation in myself worth is best tracked when I think out over my past boyfriends. I think any guy I dates in high school will tell you I was pretty feisty. I set my limits, stood by them, and was very verbal about actions that made me unhappy. I doubt any one of them would negate the fact that I could be pretty moody, opinionated and bull-headed. That, however changed somewhere between high school and college. Somewhere between Brian and Michael.

At some point, I got it into my head, that being a meek girlfriend, with something to loose was how I was going to be. Only, that didn't just settle in relationships, it settled into my interpersonal relationships on many levels as well. As me how I feel about something, and I became likely to tell you what you wanted to hear, not what I really thought. As me to do something I didn't want to do, and I started to say yes, despite the fact I didn't want to. When, in the past, I simply would have said no.

Anyhow, I feel like this other person came into my life, and began eating at my soul. I stopped setting my limits, and allowed myself to be twisted and turned, and prodded, and soon lost myself.

I've been that lost self for a little over 10 years now, and Today, I am saying no more. There are so many things I let go by, unsaid. I walk by and see so many events I'm not comfortable with, and instead of doing something about it, I walk on by. Why? Because I'm afraid of getting hurt? Not really. Because I'm afraid of being yelled at? Being disliked? Dealing with confrontation? That would be more like it.

So, instead, I take on this passive aggressive behavior that drives me nuts. I let things build until I feel like I'm choking, then fall into a crazy depression for day, all the while feeling this heavy load on my chest.

Life, just isn't worth doing that anymore. It's time I start respecting myself. Taking charge of my life, and being the confident, sure footed happy person I as once-a very long time ago-known to be.

It started today, my ex-boyfriend. I let out everything I had left unsaid during our relationship. Unloaded every thought, every feeling, everything I felt I needed to say in order to move on. Surprisingly, he responded. The conversation went on for about two hours, but I finally got out of my system everything that I felt needed to have been said, and it felt great. Not great to make him feel bad, but great to finally get all that pent up emotion and all those thoughts and the resentment out in the open.

So, I am creating a new goal for myself. The first, is to regain my confidence and self worth. The second, is learn how to disagree in an articulate manner, and the third is to learn to handle conflict with class." Not sure how I'm going to learn to do this yet, but I will.

Somedays I really don't feel like a lady

I think one of the most important things about growing up-or raising children.-lets go with raising children. Is knowing that you're raising a young lady or young man, rather than a child. I think that helps to instill a bit of confidence in a child. And sometimes I find that confidence lacking in me.

More and more lately I find myself staring in the mirror and asking myself who am I really, and what is it that I'm meant to do with my life. And more and more, I find myself thinking that I am a lost child in this really big world, who has not idea where to go. So, I seek comfort rather than seek confidence.

I've started taking risks, started a grown up job, but still don't feel very grown up. It doesn't help that I've gained 20 lbs since I moved here and no longer fit into any of my work clothes. Yes, as shallow as it may sound, clothes for me instills confidence. I love clothes, because it's like playing dress up, what you're wearing gets to say who you are that day.

So, I think now that I'm in the habit of making my bed, and am going to school and meeting a few of my new years resolutions, it's time to start something new. I think I shall start treating myself to a pedicure and manicure once a month. First step to being a lady, is looking like a lady. I'll work on acting like a lady as soon as I figure out what one is supposed to act like.

A Pig Skin Sunday

So those of you who are all about American Football ought to be proud of me. This weekend, I sat through my first entire football game. Yup, I actually watched it from start to finish. And, I'll admit, I even got into it there for a little bit.

Not knowing much about football, I decided to root for Arizona. This was purely due to the geographical location of the team. After all, it's close to home. So, I watched the game and drank, and realized at some point that in my 29 years, I had never attended at Super Bowl Party. So now, I can say that in my first year in NY I attended my first Super Bowl Party, and I had a lot of fun. The host-Matt, was great. His friend's were good company, and the food everyone brought was YUMMY! The only downfall was that I turned out to allergic to the beer I brought.

LAME! I've been trying to get into beer drinking because it's a lot less expensive than wine and the mixed drinks I'm accustomed too, but it hasn't done me any good. I've had an allergic reaction to the last few mixed drinks and beers that I've tried, so maybe it's a sign that I should stick to what I'm used to. (HA, the adventurous life loving side of me shall never give into the monotony of it.)

Back to Football. The commercials weren't as good as I remembered them, but there was a monster or something like that commercial that I thoroughly enjoyed, because I felt like I could actually relate to it. And, I also like the Denny's one. Although it wasn't new, I felt like it was perfect for the targeted audience.

Ok, well those are my ramblings for today. Have a good night everyone.

Dating

So, it's been over 6 months since I've been on a date, and I despite the New Years Eve thing, and my clamming up this weekend, I feel like it's time that I make an effort to date again. So, I was thinking about doing one of those dating websites, but it's not really me. So then I looked up speed dating, and that looks kind of expensive. So, I'm probably going to spend the next couple of months analyzing my options before I decide what I'll try next. I only hope that in that time I'll meet someone by accident. Seriously though, this drought is going to be the end of me.