I'm surprised my parents lasted as long as they did.

No one, well at least most people, don't like it when their parents get divorced. But after going home to Puerto Rico this weekend, it suddenly occurred to me that it's a miracle that my parents lasted as long as they did. No really, I'm being serious. I've been immersed in an adapted version of my fathers culture for the past year, and just can not fathom how my parents lasted as long as they did.


Here's the thing. My father's family comes from the all conservative well mannered, respect is everything country of Guatemala. There are customs, and a hierarchy that no one dares disrupt because doing so would cause you offend any number of people. (Trust me, I've done this on a number of occasions throughout my lifetime.)

Then, there is my mother's side of the family. The crazy Puerto Rican side, where, yes, their are customs, but the family is much more laxed about it, and teach by doing rather than ignoring. Here's an example. In my father's side of the family, should you arrive at a family gathering, you great everyone individually starting usually with the eldest person in the room and working your way around. Should you forget to great a person or do it in the wrong order, that person would probably hold it against you for years. You would get either A-the silent treatment or B a stern lecture on how disrespectful and mannerless you are, then you're parents would get lectured for not teaching you the proper manners, or C- they guilt factor, which is the worst, because they'll (both grandparents on my father's side are experts at this) make you feel bad for not knowing any better. That would not be the case on my Mother's side. Instead, said person would approach you, great you, and the night would go on as normal. Sounds nice right.



Now, I must make a clarification when I talk about my father's side of the family. This does not refer so much to the younger generation, who are in their 30s, but more so to the older generation. Only two of the "kids" from the younger generation seem to have issue with this, while it seems like the others either a-don't notice or b-don't care.

Also, I need to say that my grandfather's wife has been amazing to me. For example, unlike many people from my father's side of the family whom I've met throughout the years, she quickly realized that I'm not intending to be "rude," I simply don't know the customs or hmm,. . .I guess we'll call the cultural expectations/protocol, for lack of better words. It was only a week or so after I moved here, that she started to give me clear instructions on who to great first and what to help with, etc. Which is nice. For the most part, I've caught on, but I still screw up here and there, which usually results into a lecture on the spot or days later from at least one of the aunts. At first, this made me crazy--I felt like I could never do anything right, but I've learned to be better about it, and the one's who get bothered by this have recently turned to instructing rather than scolding, so it's been a fair adapting process. But I digress. We need to get back to the story.

So, this weekend, Mothers day, there was a little bit of a fiasco at my grandmother's house. You see, the thing about both cultures is that they tell you to your face what they think of you. If you have too much make-up on, they tell you, if you have a big ugly pimple on your face, they point it out to you, if you're dressed like crap they let you know, and if you're fat, they don't hold back, they tell you that your fat. The difference is that my father's side would strait up tell you in a serious and disapproving tone,(unless it's one of the aunt's or uncles in the younger generation who would either not say anything or make a joke out of it.) while my mother's family will do what they can to turn it into a joke, which is just what happened this weekend.

My uncle called my aunt "FAT." And, according to my grandmother, I made matters worse or lit the match to a wick when I turned to him a said, "Tio, you don't talk to women that way, have a little respect please." I said it in a mocking tone, being half serious while trying not to laugh, but my cousin went "ape-shit" on him.

First she told him never to talk to her like that again, to which he quickly responded to with a sincere apology. I must say, that was very surprising to witness because I've never seen my uncle apologize to anything, but he apologized. However, by that time, my cousin was already seeing red. She wasn't listening and stopped out of the kitchen. Apparently she went to the family room to vent, and the next things I knew, she was walking out of the house calling my uncle a women hater who knew how to ruin mother's day for a woman, and telling him it was no wonder no women would ever stand by his side, and that she didn't want anything to do with him for as long as she lived, blah blah blah blah blah. Needless to say, she was furious.

Was it a ridiculous reaction, I think if you take the culture into consideration, the answer is yes. But anyhow, the whole time this scenario was going on, I was thinking, oh, this would never happen at my grandfather's house. This shit would be stopped before is started-maybe not if it were one of the kids from my grandfather's second marriage, but I can guarantee that none of the grandchildren would dare blow up in this manner on a holiday, at a family gathering, out of strait up fear of causing a scene or upsetting the grandparents. Blowing up at your elders or disrespecting them in any form, regardless of whether or not they have it coming to them is simply not acceptable behavior. I could be 40 and still get my ass whipped for saying something like that. But it happened. And she left, and the incident became the topic of conversation that night and into the next day, and the family came to several conclusions:

1. She is very sensitive to being fat
2. She was under a lot of stress and that was the straw that broke the camel's back
3. She was on her cycle
4. She must be going through something no one knows about.

I however, can not give her reason in this. For one, she has gained a lot of weight since I last saw her. True, she's had two kids, but she's also had two years to work off the weight and hasn't, which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that I lived with this family for a summer five years ago and they haven't changes a bit. If you're fat, they will tell you you're fat. If you're to skinny, they'll let you know. If you talk too much or not enough or whatever, they will tell you. They do everything short of publishing in the paper all of your flaws, so you just deal with it. She's lived with them all her life and should be accustomed to this by now, but isn't.

On the other hand, I feel for her, because I tend to have weight issues, I have all my life, despite the fact that I hit the gym three to four days a week for a serious work out, and also play sports or go on long bike rides. My diet isn't the greatest, but it's still better than most people's (by this I mean the bulk of my diet consists of fruits, vegetables, and healthy carbs), and yet I struggle to be at a healthy looking size. Not fat, but not skinny, just slightly heavey, and sometimes it's difficult to constantly hear from people that I'm fat or a little on the heavy side, but the truth is I am, and blowing up at them isn't going to do anything. I usually respond by saying, "I'm not fat, I'm pleasantly curvy," which I really believe I am, and leave it at that.


I have obviously gone on a tangent here. The point is that one. These are two vastly different cultures with drastically different reactions to the same incident, and based on a reaction such as this alone, I have no idea how my parents lasted as long as they did.