Taking Chances Means Leaving Your Comfort Zone

There are some people in life who thrive on change. Who's constant change of being is comfort, but I think those people are few and far between. I'd bet that most of us prefer the comfort of knowing what to expect, than of the unknown. I mean, why not, it's safe right? For example, being in a hostile environment might seem safer than running away because at least in the hostile environment, you know what's coming. What actions trigger what reaction, and how to shield yourself-well, maybe.

But then, there's the real world. The one without the protective glass around it and the soft cushion of friends to catch you when you fall. And that world. . .well, let me tell you. . . that world is just plane scary. It's like one day, you're in a soft field of good smelling flowers, and the next, you're in a hot desert trying to make your way.

Why are we even talking about this? Because given the experiences of the last couple of weeks, I am scared to death. Here I am, in this big scary world, all on my own for the first time in my life, failing at something I should be really good at, and there is no one to catch me if I fall. And that, well that, can make me feel pretty alone. At least the upside is that failing isn't an option, so I need to turn all this luck around. Even so, I miss Jared more than anything lately, and I think it's because he represents the comfort of home.

I actually went home for the Holiday, and as usual, came back pretty depressed. It's nothing bad. It's nothing anyone has said, it's just where I'm at in life vs where most people I know are at in life. The bulk of my family and friends have married, and are starting their families. They have a routine life. Go to work, come home, take care of the kids, go to bed. As boring and mundane as that life sounds, it also sounds like the warmest and safest place to be. Life is predictable, routine, and leaves very little room for change. I look around and feel like everyone has moved on to the next stage in life (i.e. having children, buying their first home, and moving in with their significant others or getting married), when I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and that makes me sad. It makes me feel like crying, because it feels like most everyone has not only the support groups of friends and family that they grew up with, but also the person they plan to be with for the rest of their lives, and the children have not choice but to love and depend on them. My friends and family have moved on--become mothers and fathers, and I'm still wandering the world. Trying to figure out what I have to offer and discovering what it has to offer me, while dabbling with the idea of settling down, but never really taking the chance to do it.

So, I wonder around this world by myself, and it gets pretty lonely. I love my life, I really do. I love that I have no one to answer to but myself, that I'm free to do things on my own terms, and my own time, and mostly, I love my solitude and independence. I love that I can take off and travel just because I feel like it, without taking anyone else into consideration, but even that begins to loose it's luster. I'd gladly argue with someone over where and when we're going, if it would mean not having to go at it alone. The experiences don't seem as fun anymore, when you have no one to share it with. So, life is adventurous, but lonely. And finding a good balance is difficult. When things go bad, I want to run home and hide in the comfort of knowing what's coming, but the routine drives me so crazy, that I cant wait to come back to NY where everything is new, and the possibility of changing is undeniable. . . , and inspiring to say the least.